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Star Crossed? Anxious and Avoidant Attachment Lovers

Updated: Jun 1


Dear Liza,


I realize that I have an anxious attachment style and my boyfriend has an avoidant attachment style. What am I doing? Is this a disaster for us? - Anxious about My Relationship

__________

Dear Anxious,


As you know people with anxious attachment styles crave a lot of connection and reassurance from a partner while avoidants may long for but nonetheless avoid connection and be sparse on reassurance. Not an easy dynamic!


It's common for us to attract (and be attracted to) those who will trigger our intense emotions (anxiety, fear of abandonment), and so hard to be attracted to those who won't. We are still working through that tough stuff that we learned when we came into this world. :-)


But the beautiful thing about this psychological paradigm is that it offers some helpful information, but it also teaches that rarely are we just one category, label, or character trait or another.


We are not silly OR serious, sensitive OR hard, introverted OR extroverted. We are usually a mix, while maybe being one more than the other. For attachment styles too, one partner will bring out your anxious attachment side because they are avoidant and withholding, and another will bring out your secure attachment style because they bring connection and reassurance naturally. That securely attached partner never leaves you guessing or insecure.


We are dynamic, ever-changing, and certainly affected by who we are with. One partner brings out your humor, another not at all. Or a partner might bring out your intellect or empathy, or your rage and distress.


Your self awareness is what allows you to grow and change in directions that you want to.


Communication is also an incredible solution for these things - talking about your primary attachment styles and more importantly what makes you feel safe and secure in the relationship. It may show you that your partner hears you and IS capable of offering more of what you need. 


Or communication may show you not sure this is gonna work . Scary, sad, upsetting, but totally okay because even though it took a while to find this person, you can find someone new if you are single again. 


I assure you, you are not solely anxious attachment, you are also avoidant (sometimes picking partners that won't really get too close is one way to show that) or secure (you know how to love powerfully and continuously and to feel worthy).


These things can be modified and improved upon based on self awareness, communication with a partner and a partner who is willing to talk about these things and understand your needs. Ideally, both of you are able to compromise a bit so that you both can get your needs met within reason. 


Wherever there is the combination of self awareness, communication and motivation to support and grow the relationship, there is plenty of hope.


Liza





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